"What do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked my eight year old daughter. She was snuggled in my lap being smothered with her bedtime huggies.
She looked up at me with an innocent smile and cooed, "What do you want me to be?"
I wonder if she could see the fear and concern deepening the lines of my face as I struggled to come up with the right response. One that would nudge her toward being a happy independent adult, without melting into the crowd of conformity. "You have to decide what you want," I explained. "Deciding what you want seems simple, but it's much harder than it sounds."
When my daughter was born she knew exactly what she wanted: food, water, someone to hold her, sleep and a diaper change. By the time she was two years old, she was on a mission to discover everything about her world. She asked questions using her senses. "What does this taste like? What happens if I flush this down the toilet? Can cats fly if you throw them?" Anything within her reach was fair game. Whenever I got in the way of this mission of discovery there was trouble. Not surprisingly, like most of us, "no" was one of the first words she learned.
Once language was mastered, she could gather even more information by asking about things that were untouchable. "Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from?" Now I was really in trouble. By the time she started going to school, she could comprehend what other people wanted. She knew that she had to go to bed at 8:00 pm because Daddy said so. She didn't use her crayons on the wall because Mommy didn't like it. She was starting to do things according to the wishes of other people.
As I think ahead to the rest of her school-age years, I realize that she will spend most of that time learning what other people expect from her. In school we memorize answers to questions and repeat them as fact. Roger Lewin, co-author of the book Origins, sums it up well, "Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve." I see this in the frustration of my friends as they struggle to solve life problems. They just want the answers, they don't want to figure out the questions. The attention paid to SAT tests reinforces this focus on memorizing answers over solving problems and asking questions. Isn't it ironic then, to expect young adults to ask questions and solve problems, when they've spent years just memorizing answers.
When we get to college we are supposed to think critically. To ask questions and question the answers. This is an unsettling situation. Suddenly, all the things we were sure about are questionable. The course we are supposed to follow looks suspicious.
"It's like an obstacle course," my ten year old daughter declared. She was listening to a young missionary explaining the steps to heaven.
The missionary continued without pause, ignoring this brilliant analogy. She explained that there are five steps in all, concluding with "endure to the end." While she talks, my mind wanders away to a sign hanging outside a cubicle in a payroll office that says, "Keep working, billions on welfare depend on you." The woman who spends her days in this cubicle is nearing retirement. She has worked for the same company for over 20 years. She has raised a family, pays her mortgage on time and contributes diligently to her 401K. She's spent a lifetime meeting other people's expectations. Her gray head and age-spotted hands shake rhythmically as she files papers neatly into their designated folders. She will endure to the end, her Parkinson's disease a constant companion in retirement.
When I return from a trip to Greece or an exciting SCUBA diving adventure, people sometimes say "It must be nice." I've learned that this phrase is a code that means I should feel guilty. As if I should feel bad about going off and enjoying myself while they stay home and work. I do feel bad, but not about what I'm doing. I feel bad about them. I'm not wealthy, I have to work very hard to do the things I want to do. I just don't follow the same rules.
There are unwritten rules we learn through media that surround us in our daily lives. Through T.V., radio, magazines, movies, newspapers and even music, we are discouraged from finding what we really want and are sold the answer instead. We are inundated by a constant stream of lifestyle images as an example of what we should desire or aspire to. Softer clothes, brighter teeth and a better sex life. Billboards advertise lakefront condos as lifetime achievement awards. It's easy to follow these rules because we are constantly reminded how we should act and look. We don't have to think about it at all.
My oldest daughter asked me one night at dinner, "Are our clothes wrinkly?" I was a bit confused by this question. My daughter sleeps in her clothes so she doesn't have to bother with dressing in the morning. Wrinkles are a basic component of her wardrobe. Her hair is rarely brushed as she plods to the car every morning with her backpack hanging open. As I paused to consider her question, she followed it up with another one. "What are wrinkles anyway?" then turned her attention back to her fish sticks, dismissing the whole subject without any response from me.
The easy way of life, the default, is achieved without much thought. Facing your fears instead of burying them in material possessions is something you have to realize and do on your own. There will be no commercial to convince you that you need to figure out what will make you happy, there is already a product you can buy for that. "You want to know where your fears are hiding? Tell me what you know about yourself. Tell me what you can't live without." writes Po Bronson in his bestselling book "What Should I Do with My Life?" Curiously, Bronson never answers the question his title asks, he simply tells the story of people who were brave enough to ask the question themselves.
I spent a lot of time in my youth fearing life. I felt cheated and disadvantaged. My father left when I was born and my Mother struggled to support me and my brother on her own. We didn't have a lot of material things. This is a common situation and I began to realize that many young people were struggling like me. As I wandered through life, I met other people that had grown up like me and had wonderful, fulfilling lives. It eventually dawned on me that feeling cheated and disadvantaged didn't really improve my situation. So, I started to pay attention to things that were making my life better. This is what I've discovered so far:
1. Get up early
2. Don't watch TV
3. Know what you want
4. Ask for help
5. Be grateful
These rules didn't come to me all at once. Each one materialized as I studied my reactions and the resulting outcome. Figuring out what I wanted proved to be the most difficult. I realized that I was trying to meet outside expectations. Being a Mom, wife and manager included enough expectations to keep me from ever asking myself what I wanted out of life. It's been an important lesson that I hope I can pass onto my daughters.
Work Cited
Bronson, Po. What should I do with my life?: the true story of people who answered the ultimate question. New York: Random House, 2003. Print.
Leakey, Richard E. and Roger Lewin. Origins: what new discoveries reveal about the emergence of our species and its possible future. Michigan: Dutton, 1977. Print.
(All photos by author unless noted)
